Is Self-Care really Selfish ? Prioritise yourself without the guilt
How often does caring for ourselves make it to the top of our to-do list? If you’re here, I expect it’s not often at all. Instead, we continue serving and giving to our spouse, children, family, friends, and work — eventually running out of steam, yet still pushing forward to our own detriment. Exhaustion, poor physical health and stress start feeling normal, while excitement and joy become distant myths. The more we practise this cycle of self-destruction, the more it becomes habitual to put ourselves on the back burner, and gradually, the thought of prioritising ourselves begins to feel wrong.
In this blog, we explore where the belief that self care is selfish comes from, how it becomes ingrained in us, and ultimately, we answer the question: Is self-care selfish?
Childhood Lessons on Self-Care
This pattern often starts in childhood, with small instances like being told to give our toys to others when we wanted them for ourselves, to the more pervasive example of seeing mothers tirelessly serve others while neglecting themselves and their own needs. We learn early on that we don’t matter as much as others do. We learn to prioritise the needs, wants, and desires of others above our own. In essence, we learn to abandon ourselves. When religious indoctrination is added to this, we may feel guilty for attending to our own desires and pleasures, and vain for not being content with just a roof over our heads and food on our table.
It’s no surprise, then, that self-care is often seen as selfishness — something to be ashamed of when spending resources on ourselves rather than on others.
How Faith and Culture Shape Self-Care
In my own experience, I became a stranger to self-care, exhausted and neglecting myself while trying to live up to what I was taught a quality Indian Muslim woman should do. Across various cultures, the belief that women should serve others — especially men — and remain patient when their own needs go unmet is deeply ingrained. This mindset stifles the potential and creativity of not only individual women but also future generations and society as a whole, reinforcing the patriarchy.
I eventually broke down completely, feeling empty and lifeless, with only myself to depend on when I chose to change. Ironically, the people I had neglected myself to serve were unable to be there for me. Over the past seven years, I’ve invested in myself, and now I’m holistically healthier than ever. I am now in a position to serve better than I ever could, supporting women and mothers transform their lives and the lives of future generations.
Why Self-Care isn’t Selfish
What if we viewed self-care as a way to energise, refresh, rejuvenate, nourish, and nurture ourselves in order to provide better and higher-quality service to those around us? Helping others and making a difference is part of our human nature. But problems arise when the way we serve, and who we serve, is dictated by institutions that enforce outdated cultural and religious expectations.
We are all here to make a difference, to have an impact. Each of us has a unique blueprint. Only we, as individuals, not as a collective, can know what it is we are meant to do, how we are meant to serve, and who we are meant to serve. This understanding can only come from within ourselves, not from being dictated to by others.
If we see self-care as the very fuel that connects us to our life purpose, as the link to what we are meant to do in our lifetime, we can begin to appreciate it as the most important act in our day. Everything else is compromised without it.
How to Start Your Self-Care Journey
With this new perspective, it becomes our duty to start prioritising ourselves. If finding time for self care journey seems impossible, begin with just one small change today. Take five minutes to think about your unmet needs and then take a tiny step towards meeting one of them. Genuine self care is about building a relationship with yourself, so make this five-minute practice a weekly date. Let this small action step be your self care routine gifted to yourself with love. Know that prioritising yourself is not selfishness — it’s essential for your mental health, happiness and overall well being and therefore in service to you, your loved one.
Sukaina Jae
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Article first published on medium.com in August 2024